Building and Maintaining Friendships When You're Autistic

Friendship is a cornerstone of the human experience. It brings joy, support, and a sense of belonging. For many autistic people, the desire for meaningful connection is just as strong as it is for anyone else. However, navigating a social world that often relies on unwritten rules and subtle cues can present unique complexities.

This article explores the nuances of friendship for autistic people. It offers practical tips on how to build connections authentically, and provides advice for neurotypical friends on how to be understanding and supportive allies. The goal is to foster mutual understanding, moving beyond common misconceptions to support the development of strong, lasting, and rewarding friendships.

The Autistic Experience of Friendship

A common and harmful stereotype is that autistic people are aloof, anti-social, or prefer to be alone. While social preferences vary from person to person, as they do for everyone, many autistic people deeply desire and value friendships. The challenge is often not a lack of interest, but a difference in the way they are neurologically wired to interact with others.

So what makes friendship different for an autistic person? The complexities can often be traced back to a few key areas:

• Understanding Unwritten Social Rules

  Much of social interaction is governed by unspoken rules-when to speak, what topics are appropriate, how to join a group conversation. These can be confusing and hard to grasp for autistic people, who often appreciate clear and explicit guidelines.

• Interpreting Non-Verbal Cues

  Neurotypical communication is heavily reliant on non-verbal cues like body language, tone of voice, and facial expressions. Autistic people can find it difficult to interpret these signals, which can lead to misunderstandings. For example, they may not detect the subtle shift in tone that indicates sarcasm, taking a comment literally instead.

• Managing Social Energy

  For many autistic people, socialising requires a huge amount of mental and emotional energy. The constant effort of processing social cues, managing sensory input, and potentially masking their natural traits can be incredibly draining, leading to a need for significant downtime to recover.

Tips for Autistic People on Building Connections

Navigating the social world can be challenging, but it is entirely possible to build friendships that are authentic and fulfilling. The key is often to approach it in a way that works for you.

• Find Your Tribe through Shared Interests

  One of the very best ways to make friends is to find people who share your special interests. When you have a passion in common, you have a natural and comfortable foundation for conversation. Joining clubs, societies, or online communities dedicated to your interest is a great way to meet like-minded people.

• Start with One-on-One Interactions

  Large, noisy groups can be overwhelming. It can be much easier to get to know someone in a quieter, one-on-one setting. Suggesting an activity you both enjoy, like playing a game or visiting a museum, can be a great, low-pressure way to connect.

• Be Your Authentic Self

  It can be tempting to mask your autistic traits to try and fit in, but the most meaningful friendships are built on authenticity. Do not feel you have to pretend to be someone you are not. The right friends will appreciate you for who you are.

• Communicate Your Needs

  It is okay to be open about your needs with a trusted friend. You could explain that you sometimes need things to be said very clearly, or that you find noisy places difficult. A good friend will appreciate your honesty and want to help you feel comfortable.

Advice for Neurotypical Friends: How to Be a Great Ally

If you're friends with an autistic person, how can you be supportive? Building a strong friendship is a two-way street, and your understanding can make a huge difference.

• Be Clear and Direct in Your Communication

  This is one of the most helpful things you can do. Avoid relying on hints, sarcasm, or idioms. Autistic people often appreciate it when you say what you mean plainly and directly. This reduces the need for guesswork and can lower social anxiety.

• Be Patient and Allow Processing Time

  Your autistic friend may need more time to process information and formulate a response in a conversation. Be comfortable with pauses; it does not mean they are not listening. Rushing them can cause stress.

• Respect Their Sensory Needs

  Be mindful that your friend might find certain sensory environments overwhelming. They might be sensitive to loud music, bright lights, strong smells, or crowded spaces. Be open to choosing quieter activities and always respect their decision if they need to leave a situation that has become too much.

• Appreciate Different Ways of Showing Friendship

  An autistic friend might show they care in ways that differ from typical social displays. They might show their affection by sharing detailed facts about their special interest, by helping you with a practical task, or by simply enjoying your quiet companionship. Value these unique expressions of friendship.

• Don't Take Differences Personally

  If your friend needs to leave a social gathering early, declines an invitation, or does not make much eye contact, try not to take it personally. It is almost always a reflection of them managing their own energy or sensory needs, not a reflection on your friendship.

Friendship on Your Own Terms

Ultimately, friendship-whether between autistic people, or autistic and neurotypical people-thrives on the same core principles: mutual respect, kindness, trust, and shared enjoyment. There is no single "right" way to be a friend.

By embracing different communication styles, honouring each other's needs, and finding common ground through shared passions, it is possible to build authentic, lasting, and deeply rewarding connections that enrich everyone's lives.