Unmasking for a happy and authentic life

For many autistic people, navigating the world around us involves 'masking', where you try not to show your autistic behaviours and thought processes. The trouble that we often think of our autistic ways - which is who we really are - as being 'weaknesses' or 'strange behaviours' that need to be hidden away in case other people think less of us. But nothing could be further from the truth! We must all be proud of who we are, and live our lives openly and honestly, and learn to show our strengths as autistic people. The world around us is getting better and better at understanding and accepting us for who we are, so this article is here to show you how.

Because 'masking' helps us fit in better with everyone around us, it comes at a cost to our mental and emotional well-being. So if you want to live a happier, more authentic and more meaningful life, we're going to look at how you can start to unmask in a safe, life-affirming way, at a pace that feels comfortable and empowering. By embracing this kind of authenticity, autistic people can cultivate greater self-respect, boost their own mental well-being, and live more fulfilling, less anxious lives.

Understanding Masking and Its Impact

Masking is a complex phenomenon where autistic people adapt their natural behaviours to conform to societal expectations. This can involve:

• Mimicking Social Behaviours

  This might include forcing eye contact, even when uncomfortable, or feigning understanding of social nuances like sarcasm. For example, an autistic person might laugh at a joke they don't understand to appear engaged in a group conversation.

• Suppressing Stimming

  Stimming, or self-stimulatory behaviours like hand-flapping or rocking, are natural self-regulation tools for autistic individuals. Masking often involves suppressing these behaviours in public, which can lead to increased anxiety and distress.

• Adopting Neurotypical Communication Styles

  This can mean forcing oneself to maintain conversations when uninterested or struggling with turn-taking, rather than communicating in a direct and literal manner that might be more natural.

The continuous effort required for masking is mentally and physically exhausting, often leading to significant anxiety and even autistic burnout. Autistic burnout manifests as extreme tiredness, reduced tolerance to sensory input, increased anxiety, and a loss of previously acquired skills. The long-term effects can include chronic exhaustion, depression, and a diminished sense of self. The constant need to hide one's true self can erode self-acceptance and foster feelings of guilt or inadequacy.

The Journey to Unmasking: Starting Small

Unmasking is a deeply personal journey that should be approached gradually, at a pace that prioritises comfort and safety. It is about embracing one's authentic self, not about abandoning all social conventions.

• Self-Acceptance and Self-Love

  The foundation of unmasking is accepting and loving yourself for who you are. This means acknowledging your autistic traits as integral parts of your identity, rather than flaws to be hidden. For instance, instead of thinking, "I'm failing at this social situation", try reframing it as, "I am doing my best, and my brain processes information differently, which is okay". Engaging in enjoyable activities, caring for your physical well-being, and forgiving yourself for mistakes are all crucial steps in building self-acceptance.

• Identifying Your Masked Behaviours

  Begin by observing your own behaviours in different situations. What do you do to appear 'normal'? Do you force smiles, suppress natural movements, or over-explain yourself? Do you use the same 'scripted' phrases in conversations to help you seem more 'normal'? Do you stop yourself from doing or saying certain things because other people have reacted badly to them in the past? Keeping a journal can you help identify these patterns. For example, you might notice that in noisy environments, you tense up and try to appear unaffected, when in reality, the noise is overwhelming and you're screaming inside. Keep a note of it all.

• Gradual Exposure and Experimentation

  Start with small, manageable changes in safe environments. This could involve:

  • Sensory Adjustments

    If bright lights are distressing, try wearing sunglasses indoors in certain settings, or request dimmer lighting if appropriate. If loud noises are overwhelming, use noise-cancelling headphones or earplugs. Using sensory tools reduces your sensory overload, helps you feel less anxious, and helps you focus better.

  • Subtle Stimming

    In a comfortable setting, allow yourself to stim subtly, such as fidgeting with a small object in your pocket or gently rocking when feeling anxious. Over time, as you gain confidence, you may feel comfortable expanding this.

  • Communication Preferences

    If direct communication is more natural, try using clear, literal language in conversations with trusted individuals, rather than relying on subtle hints or implications. For example, instead of saying, "It's a bit cold in here", you could say, "I am feeling cold. Would you mind if we closed the window?"

Communicating with Your Support Network

Open and honest communication is vital when embarking on the unmasking journey. Informing those close to you about your intentions can foster understanding and support, making the transition smoother.

• Talking to Loved Ones

  Choose a calm and private setting to discuss your decision to unmask. Explain what masking is and why it has been a necessary coping mechanism for you. Emphasise that this is about becoming more authentic, not about changing who you are as a person. For example, you might say, "I've been learning a lot about autism and myself, and I've realised I've spent a lot of my life 'masking' - trying to act differently to fit in. This has been really exhausting for me. I want to start being myself, which means some of my behaviour might change or become more noticeable. This isn't a reflection on you but, actually, it's just about me improving my own well-being".

• Asking for Support and Understanding

  Be specific about the kind of support you need. This could include asking people to:

  • Respect Sensory Needs

    You might say, "Could you please let me know if you're planning to have loud music on, so I can bring my headphones?" or "I might need to step away to a quieter space if things get too overwhelming. Please don't take it personally".

  • Understand Communication Styles

    You might say, "Sometimes I might be very direct, or I might not understand sarcasm. Please let me know if I've misunderstood something, or if you need me to rephrase what I've said. Remember that we autistic people can be much more literal than you".

  • Allow for Stimming

    You might tell others, "You might see me fidgeting or moving around more. This helps me to regulate myself and feel calm. It's not a sign that I'm uncomfortable with you".

  • Respect Routines

    You might tell people, "I find great comfort in routines and rules. If there's a change to our plans, could you please give me as much notice as possible so I can prepare myself for it?"

• Educating Others

  Share resources about autism and unmasking with those who are open to learning. The more people understand, the more supportive they can be. The Autism Info Center has published a book called 'Understanding Autism - A Simple Guide for Everyone' (see www.AutismInfoCenter.org/understandingautism) which helps neurotypical people understand autism and how it affects us in everyday life, and how they can better support and help us to live happier, more meaningful lives in all sorts of ways.

Navigating Relationships and Environments During Unmasking

Unmasking can inevitably affect existing relationships and interactions in various settings. It is important to anticipate these changes and develop strategies to navigate them.

• Family Relationships

  Family members, especially those who have known you for a long time, may be surprised or even resistant to your unmasking, as they are accustomed to your masked self. They might misinterpret unmasked behaviours as rudeness or disinterest. You might tell a loved one, "I understand this might feel different, but this is me being more comfortable and true to myself. I still love and value our relationship. It might take some time for us all to adjust, but I believe it will lead to a stronger, more authentic connection". Encourage your family members to read about autism, or suggest they visit the Autism Info Center (www.AutismInfoCenter.org) to help them better understand your needs and experiences.

• Friendships

  True friends will likely be supportive, but some friendships may change as you become more authentic. Some friends might not understand or be comfortable with your unmasked self. You might choose to warn your friends before you unmask, telling them something like: "As I unmask, you might notice me being more direct or needing different kinds of social interaction. For example, I might need more quiet time after a social gathering. This doesn't mean I don't enjoy your company; it just means I'm looking after my own needs a bit. I value our friendship and hope you'll understand". Always look for friends who share similar interests and can appreciate your unique qualities, strengths and interests.

• In Educational Settings

  Teachers and staff may not be aware of masking or how to support unmasking. Unmasked behaviours might be misinterpreted as a lack of engagement or disruptive behaviour. Engage with your Special Educational Needs Co-Ordinator (SENCO) or a trusted teacher, and tell them: "I'm autistic, and I'm working on unmasking. This might mean I need to wear noise-cancelling headphones during certain activities or take short sensory breaks. I learn best when information is presented visually and directly. Could we discuss some reasonable adjustments to help me thrive in this environment?" You could suggest that they read some of the articles or watch some of the videos from the Autism Info Center to help them understand what you mean.

• In the Workplace

  Unmasking at work can be challenging due to professional expectations. Colleagues or managers might misinterpret unmasked behaviours, potentially affecting career progression. Speak with HR (human resources) or your line manager about reasonable adjustments under the Equality Act 2010, perhaps tell them: "I'm an autistic employee, and I'm striving to be more authentic in the workplace for my well-being. This might involve adjustments like a quieter workspace, flexible breaks to manage sensory input, or more explicit instructions for tasks. I believe these adjustments will allow me to be more productive and contribute more effectively". Highlight your strengths, such as attention to detail, honesty, pattern spotting, or logical thinking, which are common autistic 'super powers'.

• In Religious Settings, Clubs, and Social Groups

  These environments often have unwritten social rules and expectations. Unmasking might lead to misunderstandings or discomfort for others who are not familiar with autistic traits. You might approach the leadership and tell them: "I wanted to let you know that I'm autistic, and I'm trying to be more open about who I am. This means I might communicate or interact a bit differently sometimes. For example, I might need a bit more personal space or prefer not to make a lot of eye contact. My aim is to feel more comfortable and to participate more genuinely". Encourage these groups to create more inclusive environments, perhaps by suggesting "quiet hours" or dedicated sensory-friendly spaces.

• In Public Places

  Public spaces can be overwhelming due to sensory input. Unmasking in public might involve visible stimming or expressing discomfort, which could draw unwanted attention or judgment from strangers. Focus on self-regulation and using sensory tools. Carry noise-cancelling headphones, sunglasses, or fidget toys. If you feel a meltdown or shutdown approaching, seek a quiet space or use your sensory tools to self-soothe. Remember that your comfort and well-being are paramount, even if it means appearing a bit "different" to strangers.

The Advantages of Unmasking

Unmasking is a profound act of self-affirmation that brings numerous advantages, leading to a more fulfilling and less anxious life.

Your mental well-being will improve in several ways - for example:

• Reduced Anxiety and Stress

  The constant effort of masking is a significant source of anxiety and stress. Unmasking alleviates this burden, leading to a profound sense of relief and calm. For example, no longer needing to force eye contact can drastically reduce social anxiety.

• Lower Risk of Autistic Burnout

  By allowing oneself to be authentic and meet one's true needs, the energy drain associated with masking is reduced, significantly decreasing the likelihood of experiencing debilitating autistic burnout.

• Greater Self-Acceptance and Self-Esteem

  Embracing your authentic self, with all its unique traits, fosters a deeper sense of self-acceptance and pride. This leads to increased self-esteem and confidence. For instance, freely engaging in stimming without shame can reinforce self-acceptance.

• Reduced Depression

  The chronic stress and isolation from masking can contribute to depression. Unmasking can alleviate these factors, promoting better emotional health.

You'll find that relationships can be stronger and more fulfilling, because you'll have:

• Genuine Connections

  Unmasking allows for genuine connections based on who you truly are, rather than a carefully constructed persona. This leads to more meaningful and supportive relationships where you feel truly seen and valued. For example, a friend who understands your need for direct communication will appreciate your honesty.

• Better Understanding from Others

  When you communicate your needs and autistic traits openly, those around you have the opportunity to learn and offer appropriate support, strengthening bonds.

And lastly, you'll find you have greater self-respect and you'll feel empowered because:

• You're Reclaiming Your Identity

  Unmasking is an act of reclaiming your identity and embracing neurodiversity. It is a powerful statement of self-respect, demonstrating that you value your authentic self above societal pressures.

• You're Making Your Own Choices, At Last

  The ability to choose when and how to unmask empowers you to control your own narrative and well-being, rather than constantly reacting to external expectations.

• You're Being An Autism Advocate in your Community

  By unmasking, you contribute to greater autism awareness and acceptance, paving the way for others to embrace their authentic selves. You become part of a movement that celebrates neurological differences as valuable contributions to society.

The Autism Info Center has co-written an inspiring book called 'The Autistic Robot Man' (see www.AutismInfoCenter.org/robotman), which tells the story of one autistic man's realisation that unmasking himself was the key to being happy in life, ultimately stopping him from being anxious all the time, worrying about what other people thought, burning out, and being alone. In this heart-warming journey of personal discovery, he starts with small changes and eventually finds life is radically better when everyone around him understood him, supported him, and he was finally free to be his true self!

So there you have it. The journey of unmasking is a courageous and transformative one, and it's well worth trying - even if it doesn't work out for you and you choose to go back to masking. This is a process of experimentation, self-discovery, self-love, and liberation that can ultimately lead to your life being lived with greater authenticity, peace, and joy. Embrace your unique brilliance, and let your authentic self roar!