Adjusting Your Communication for Autistic Adults

Effective communication is not just about what we say, but about how our message is received and understood. It is a partnership. When communicating with an autistic adult, whose brain may process language, non-verbal and social cues differently, neurotypical people have an opportunity to become better communication partners by making some thoughtful and respectful adjustments to their style.

Why we need to adjust our way of communicating

Before diving into strategies, it helps to understand why these adjustments are so important. The need arises from common differences in how autistic people often process information:

• Literal Interpretation

  Autistic people frequently process language literally. This means they may might take words at their exact meaning and not automatically infer hidden social meanings. Using idioms and figures of speech (like 'thinking outside the box') could be very confusing (especially if there's no actual box present).

• Processing Time

  It can take longer for an autistic person to process verbal information, especially in a distracting environment. It's often he case that their brains simply can't process multiple ideas all at once, so they might need to sift through ideas and things they've heard in a methodical way, which takes longer. They may also need more time to formulate a response.

• Non-Verbal Cues

  Autistic people may not be able to intuitively use or interpret 'normal' body language, facial expressions, or tone of voice to understand the full context of a conversation, or to express their own feelings. Furthermore, their own non-verbal cues are often different from other people's, so it's easy to misinterpret their body language or facial expressions (e.g. fidgeting or looking away aren't necessarily signs of disinterest - they might simply be coping mechanisms for discomfort with a social situation) .

Strategies for better communication

So what can you actually do to make it easier for an autistic person to understand you, and to better understand what they're trying to tell you?

• Be Clear, Direct, and Concrete

  This is the single most effective adjustment you can make. Avoid ambiguity, hints, and vague language. Precise language removes the burden of guesswork. For example, a vague request at work might be, "Can you sort that report sometime soon?". While most people would understand that finishing the report is urgent, if you're talking to someone who's autistic, it might be clearer for them if you say, "Please could you start working on the marketing report we spoke about this morning? The first step is to gather the sales data. I need it by 3PM tomorrow". Similarly, a vague request at home might be, "This room is a mess", with the (normally) obvious inference that you want it cleaned up. But a clearer way of saying this would be, "Please could you please put the books back on the shelf and the cushions back on the sofa, then vacuum the floor?"

• Avoid Unexplained Figurative Language

  What's the harm in a common phrase like "let's play it by ear"? For a literal thinker, this can be genuinely confusing, creating unnecessary anxiety about what is going to happen. Idioms, metaphors, and sarcasm rely on an assumed shared understanding that may not be present. If you do use them, be prepared to explain what you really mean with a smile.

• Be Explicit About Social Expectations

  Many social rules are unspoken, which can be a minefield for autistic people. It can be a great kindness to state expectations clearly and simply. This is not patronising; it is providing helpful clarity. For example, to avoid confusion and anxiety about an upcoming meeting at work, you might tell them, "Just to let you know, we'll do about half an hour of general chat and catch-up before we start the main part of the meeting. The actual agenda items will start around 10:30AM".

• Allow Processing Time (Embracing the Pause)

  When you ask a question, consciously allow for a pause. Resist the urge to fill the silence by rephrasing the question or asking, "Did you hear me?". This silence is not a sign of ignorance or disinterest; it is vital thinking time. By waiting patiently, you show respect for the person's processing needs and are more likely to get a considered response.

Practice Active Listening

Active listening means you are fully concentrating on what is being said, rather than just passively hearing the words while you plan your own response. It is a powerful way to show respect and ensure you truly understand. Here's how it works:

1. Give them your full attention

   The first step is that you must pay them full attention (so put your phone away and give them your undivided attention).

2. Show you're listening

   The second step is to show that you are listening to what they mean (not just the words), so you might use small verbal cues like "I understand" or "Yes, I see" or "Okay" to show you are engaged - but be careful not to interrupt their flow.

3. Reflect and clarify what's been said

   The third step is to paraphrase what you think they've said to you, which serves to demonstrate your understanding and to give them a chance to correct anything you've misunderstood. Again, give them a little extra time to process what you've said, and to respond. This is a key part of active listening.

For example, if an autistic person says to you, "I can't go to the party on Saturday. The music will be too loud and I don't know many people", you might respond with, "Okay, so if I've understood correctly, it's the loud music and the number of unfamiliar people that make it too overwhelming, but it's not that you don't want to see me. Is that right?" You could also follow up with some suggestions about how to make the party easier to deal with, like maybe having a 'quiet room' somewhere in the house where they can go to rest if they're feeling overwhelmed. This shows that you've heard and understood them, and that you're responding positively to their needs and concerns.

Strategies for Written Communication

Written communication, such as emails or texts, can often be less stressful for autistic people as it removes the pressure of immediate response and interpreting non-verbal cues. To make your writing more accessible:

• Use a clear and specific subject line.

• State the main point or required action at the beginning.

• Use bullet points or numbered lists to break up information.

• Keep sentences and paragraphs short and focused.

Non-Verbal Communication: A Two-Way Guide

In a typical conversation, we send and receive a constant stream of non-verbal information through our tone of voice, facial expressions, and body language. For many autistic people, this unspoken channel of communication can be challenging to process and use. As a neurotypical person, understanding these differences and adjusting your own non-verbal signals can be one of the most supportive things you do.

This is a two-way guide: first, we will explore how to better understand an autistic person's non-verbal communication, and second, how you can use your own non-verbal cues more effectively.

Understanding an Autistic Person's Non-Verbal Cues

The "social software" for automatically producing and reading non-verbal cues can work differently in autistic people. It is essential not to make assumptions based on neurotypical standards.

• Eye Contact

  For many autistic people, being expected to make direct, sustained eye contact can be intensely uncomfortable, distracting, or even physically painful. It is not a sign of dishonesty or disinterest. In fact, an autistic person might be listening more intently precisely because they are not spending precious mental energy on the overwhelming task of maintaining eye contact. Practically speaking, you should accept the level of eye contact the person offers naturally. Do not comment on it or ask for more.

• Facial Expressions and Tone of Voice

  An autistic person's facial expression or tone of voice may not always seem to match the emotion they are feeling inside. They might have a neutral or "flat" expression even when they are very happy, excited, or anxious. Their tone of voice might be monotonous, regardless of the topic. Think of it this way: their emotional 'volume knob' might be turned all the way up on the inside, but the external 'speaker' is set to low. Practically speaking, you should trust their actual words above your own interpretation of their expression or tone. If they say they are excited about a project but do not look excited in a typical way, you should believe their words, not their body language.

• Body Language and Personal Space

  An autistic person might have body language that seems "closed off", such as folded arms or turning slightly away. This is often a way of feeling more physically contained and secure, not a sign of unfriendliness. Their sense of personal space might also be different; they may stand closer or further away than is typical. Practically speaking, you should always respect their posture and physical space. Avoid interpreting their body language through a neurotypical lens.

Watch Your Own Non-Verbal Communication

So, if non-verbal cues can be confusing, should you just try to be a robot? Not at all. But you can make your own non-verbal signals clearer and less overwhelming. For example, here are some things you can do to help them understand you better:

• Make Your Gestures Clear and Purposeful

  While complex or overly animated gestures can be distracting, simple and clear gestures that support your words can be very helpful. For example, if you are giving directions, physically pointing the way as you speak reinforces your verbal message.

• Match Your Face and Tone to Your Words

  Try to make your non-verbal cues congruent with your verbal message. If you are giving praise, a genuine smile and a warm tone can help the positive message land clearly. If you are discussing a serious topic, a calm, neutral tone is more effective than one loaded with confusing emotion that the person has to try and decode. This reduces the cognitive load of deciphering mixed signals.

• Be Mindful of Proximity and Touch

  Be conscious of personal space and avoid standing too close, which can feel intimidating. Crucially, never touch an autistic person unexpectedly! Not even with a reassuring intention. A sudden hand on the shoulder or arm can be sensorily jarring and distressing for a person with tactile sensitivities. If you feel a touch is appropriate, always ask first.

• Use Visuals to Support Your Words

  One of the most powerful non-verbal strategies is to turn your words into something visual. This makes use of the visual processing strengths that many autistic people have. For example, in a meeting, you might say, "That's a great point. Let me just write that down as a key action so we don't forget it" and then immediately write it down where they can see it being written. Or on a more practical level, if you're trying to explain how a machine works to someone with autism, you might use visuals to illustrate rather than relying on words alone: "This bit is a bit complicated, so let me draw a quick diagram to show you how it works".

By being a more conscious and deliberate non-verbal communicator, you reduce the chances of misunderstanding and help create a more comfortable and predictable interaction for everyone.

Building a Bridge of Communication

Adjusting your communication style is a practical act of respect that acknowledges neurological diversity. It is not about "dumbing down" your language, but about making it clearer and more precise.

By being patient, direct, explicit, and an active listener you can reduce misunderstandings, help prevent anxiety, and build stronger, more effective, and more genuine connections with the autistic adults in your life.